A self – actualized person is an
evolved person. One who does not perceive his/her value in relation to others. Even
with regards to family, friends or colleagues.
Hard fact, but it is the truth of
life.
I had a friend many years back
during my medical internship period, who value of life was distorted forever by
his overprotective parents. His relationships were one of manipulation, which
extended to both his personal and professional life. Having spent his life
trying to manipulate others in pursuance of his materialistic and sensual
gains, he became professionally successful, but personally and spiritually
drained. Last heard, he is suffering from a broken marriage and is trying to
connect to people from his past.
On the other hand, we come across
people who give a lot, even sacrifice themselves, in the hope of gaining love,
attention or peace, but end up depleting themselves and others.
All of us may not be at those two
extremes, but we all have these shades of insecurity amongst us. The two
predominant characteristics, which exist in various hues across the spectrum,
are:
-
Neurosis- the guilty individual
-
Character disorder- the irresponsible individual
The neurotic assumes too much
responsibility; the person with a character disorder not enough. In reality,
many individuals have both these characteristics, indicating that in some areas
of their lives they are guilt-ridden by virtue of having assumed responsibility
that is not really theirs, while in other areas they fail to take realistic
responsibility of themselves. This gives rise to the term “ character neurosis.”
Few of us can escape being neurotic or character disordered at least to some
extent. Throughout our life , the
understanding of what we are responsible for and what we are not, remains a
grey area; and it is a mystery of life that probably may be solved only with
deep introspection and willingness to accept reality. Otherwise, it may not be
solved till the day we die.
The genesis of these conditions
lie in the deep recesses of our childhood, and fundamentally in the way we have
been brought up by our parents. To put it in simplistic terms, parents who
deprive their children of love and caring are giving birth to neurosis; those
who are pampering their children, overprotecting/controlling them are giving rise to character disorders. And
many parents often do both, thus bringing forth children whose ability to
handle both themselves and this world and its realities is deficient. This is
the genesis of many troubled relationships (including broken or strained marriages)
, callousness towards children, even crime etc.
I recently saw a picture of a guy
on Facebook holding his child between his legs while clicking a photo. Typical
of a character disordered individual ,
to whom his own pursuits are important to the exclusion of everything else.
How do we make things
better? The key lies in balance. We
cannot change our childhood. All we can do is live today for what it is. And
for that , I believe the major component is- forgive, and forget. The sins of
the father (or mother) need not necessarily be those of the child. To grow up
beyond the shadows of one’s upbringing, may take an entire life. But for sound
mental health and maturity, the process must start sooner or later.
We have to realize that our
parents (or guardians, or teachers) had their own perceptions of reality. In
most cases, except the most extreme ones, they are not to be blamed for the same.
In many cases, the love and care has been there; probably we have not been able
to realize it.
What do we do about victims of
severe abuse, like this friend who was severely physically abused by her father
in her childhood? Forgiveness has no role here- what cannot be forgiven cannot
be undone, but forgetting definitely has a role.
I knew another person who concept
of love was forever distorted by the divorce of her parents. Consequently,
though she thought she was tough, it was easy for people to manipulate her.
To come out of the shadows of the
past, we must erase those childhood recordings on our minds which are outmoded,
and keep playing like a playback record, often throughout our lives:
“ Do not talk to boys/ girls .”
“ Falling in love is a sure
recipe for disaster.”
“ Work comes first. Everything
else is secondary.”
“ If you don’t have money, you
don’t have anything.
“ Remember, son (or daughter) ,
no one will ever love you more than us.”
“ You are too fragile , too insecure
to survive this world. You need our support and protection forever.”
“ You will always be a child.”
“ Don’t ask for this and that. It
will not be given.”
“ 99% mila to ghadi, nahi to chhadi – if you get 99% marks, we will
reward you, or else we will punish you ( to quote from “ Three Idiots”)
These are echoes in our brains
which reverberate and lend themselves to an outmoded version of life events,
long after our parents ( or guardians, or teachers) are gone and in their
graves. The realization that these recordings are outmoded may come after a
long period of suffering and genuine self- introspection.
For me, life at medical college was
the opportunity to erase many outmoded recordings. The experience and challenge
of living (surviving!) in a city,
hundred of miles away from your hometown, on your own, with the resultant self-dependence,
created a stronger me than I ever thought possible. And so, even in the face of
obstacles, I was able to survive failure in exams, failure in romance, even
disdain from some classmates, finally coming out if not on top academically,
then at least reasonably well. The rest of the recordings were erased by my
wife, through deep conversations after we met many years back. And then on,
several friends, life experiences and work itself have helped me to grow on.
I love my parents, but I am not
dependent on them when they are not around me, for my physical, mental or
spiritual growth. Holds true for my wife, my daughter, my in-laws, my friends, virtually
every person I cherish in life. Love is the process of seeking the spiritual
growth of the self and the other person, and is not to be confused with
dependence or possessiveness. I do not want to possess those whom I love- I
want to enjoy being with them, and enjoy every moment of this interaction. And
the ultimate goal of love is to make people ready for that day when we may no
longer be needed in their lives. That is, genuine love has self-redundancy as
its highest ideal.
I cannot prescribe what’s good
for others. All of us have to live life in our own ways. Some of those who suffer
from character neurosis may benefit from a renewed closeness with their
parents- many parents are willing to change later in life, or at least to
adjust. They need to keep trying, not give up, not get disappointed by the
feeling that they are getting rebuffed- and one day, these results will bear
fruit. It is not easy, but nobody said that life is an easy game.
In extreme cases like the friend
I discussed, who was battered by her father, it may be useful to go in for psychotherapy , with a credentialed,
competent provider ( and there are very few in this country- Psychiatry in this
country has been about pills , and the concept of counseling will take time to
catch on. Perhaps we are simply too materialistically obsessed as a society to
prioritize these things).
For most of us, it is about
balancing the role of our childhood experiences in our adult life. Many of the
recordings, mostly those of an early age, cannot be erased- they have to be
modified. And how do we do it? I believe the following are essential:
-
Let go! If you cannot forgive, then at least
forget. Simple, but true! The past is dead, the future is yet to come-live in
the present.
-
Engage with people, reach out to them, even at
the risk of hurting yourself. In helping others, we help ourselves. At the
fundamental core, helping others is all about helping yourself (this was taught
to me by a friend many years back). In loving others, we get back love.
-
Develop a strong work ethic, but don’t let that
be your only motivator in life.
-
Love your family, and take good care of them-
your parents, spouse, children, in-laws, other relatives- appreciate them for
what they are and not what you want them to be. Most of them are fundamentally
decent- and if this decency or fundamental compatibility is missing, then
separation is the only way out. Painful, but true. Period!
-
Develop pursuits outside work- whether it is
sports, travelling, music, reading or whatever. Define what your heart wants,
and follow it.
-
Have a close circle of friends. You might feel
like falling in love with some of them, but always know and respect limits.
-
And, if possible, develop a spiritual basis of living,
to whatever extent possible. What will you choose? Yoga, meditation, prayer ,
worship or something else? You decide!
Living a
balanced life amongst the maelstrom of emotions all around us, is the toughest
thing to do. But sooner or later, all of us must embark on this journey of
self-discovery and renewal. It provides us enrichment, and the required
stability and strength to excel in our personal, professional and spiritual
lives.
May you all
find Peace in your lives.
Comments
Post a Comment